I've had it...officially

 That's it. 2020 has officially destroyed my peace, goodwill, and general feeling of kindness toward my fellow man. I'm done. I'm coldly angry. It's not a white-hot rage of someone who has an emotional overload. Nope, this is the cold ashes of someone who has no emotions left to feel.

Trump bugs me. (A lot. Really a lot.) Climate change is not a happy thing, but I can focus my inner hippie on some serious social justice for this. A pandemic? (Okay, let me start making masks. Thank goodness I sew well.) Murder hornets? You're kidding, right? No? (sigh) Black Lives Matter! (More inner hippy social activism! I gotta help with this! What? I'm a member of a vulnerable group? I'm not allowed to march? But...but! I brought masks, and signs...) A hurricane season with so many named storms they had to go to the Greek alphabet? (Damn.) The Notorious RBG dying? (Curse words are now beginning to run out.) 

I actually enjoyed the lockdown. Most of my friends are going nuts with their need to be in physical contact, and I sat in my little home office sighing with relief. Zoom is a joy to me. If I must be in touch with someone, then a Zoom meeting is close enough. I didn't have to rush around to slap on the war paint, and try to eat a sandwich while I drove to another meeting at the church. Rather, I could simply dish up something I'd had in the slow cooker and set up my I-Pad wherever it was convenient. 

I wouldn't call having David around all the time any sort of inconvenience, though his constant need to have the TV on still bugs the crap out of me. I hate that fucking TV being on all the time. I may be hard of hearing, but the constant drone of sound --especially human voices-- is maddening. 

If the pandemic wasn't enough, my personal trials with my health have been difficult to keep me off-kilter. I had the weight loss surgery, but the lockdown has been a challenge to my diet. A very bored and diabetic David has been a challenge to my diet. The riding lawn mower breaking down was a mixed blessing. I kind of enjoyed having to mow the lawn using the electric lawn mower, since the battery only lasted maybe an hour. That was enough time to get sweaty (Yuk), and for my fitness watch to announce I had done my steps for the day. (Yay!)

Then my boss added another task to my daily job list called UnWorked. I love researching why a claim denied, but when I can't find an answer, dialing the phone to call the payer for more information was a trial to my half-deaf self. I couldn't hear some of the CSRs. So I asked FOR FOUR MONTHS for a headset for the hearing impaired. And for four months, I got ignored or blown off, until I finally involved HR. Amazingly, Kaanan snapped to attention and called IT. He asked for a letter from the audiologist, and I was happy to make the appointment. (More on that appointment in a minute.) Now, miraculously, I'm getting the headset. Kaanan is a numbers geek. If it doesn't affect the numbers, he doesn't give two fucks. Numbers geeks are better than some boss types. At least a numbers geek leaves you the hell alone and lets you do your job, as long as the numbers work. Micro-managers are a pain in the ass. They never leave you alone. I'll quit on a micro-manager. 

Now, about that audiologist appointment. I had the hearing test. Surprisingly, I bombed the word recognition. Doc said I haven't lost any more hearing, but my ability to distinguish words is getting worse. That's probably my tinnitus, but the reason doesn't matter. The bad score means I qualify for an ADA-sponsored caption phone. Doc said he'd request two- one for my home office for work, and one for home and leisure stuff. I'm pretty happy about that. Well, mostly. It's still a bit of a shock to suddenly qualify for ADA stuff. I don't *feel* disabled. Again, I like the isolation. It was nice to be able to tell folks not to call me because I can't hear the phone or human voices. Now I won't have that excuse. (Dammit.) 

Finally got to get that second shingles shot. OUCH!! Damn, I didn't remember how badly that hurt. I remembered how hard it was to use my arm and that heat helped. Took a week to stop hurting, and the bruise is fading now. Now to summon the courage for the flu and pneumonia shots. Oh, joy...This getting old ain't for sissies. 

Finally got to see my surgeon. Told him the GERD had come back. Told him I thought it was a return of my hiatal hernia. He sent me for an upper GI. Just had it yesterday. Yep, hiatal hernia. Radiologist mumbled (or said...can't be sure. I had taken off my hearing aid for the X-rays and barium swallow.) something more, but I can't be sure. Something's twisted? What? Guess Dr. M will tell me, if I remember to ask. My chest hurts all the time. At least I don't seem to be allergic to Prilosec or Sucralfate. At least I didn't have anaphylactic shock and stopped breathing like I did with Nexium. (Please, medications...make it stop hurting.)  

Point is, I probably have to have another surgery. I'm numb by now. Surgery doesn't bug me too much. It's a pain in the ass only because I have to go off Eliquis and get the Lovonox shots in my belly. Walking around with a purple bruised, and very sore belly before and after surgery is the worst part other than establishing the IV. Oh, and the damned phlebotomists waking you up in the middle of the night for another goddamned blood draw. I hate needles. Surgery and anesthesia are fine. I hate needles. Did I mention I hate needles? 

Now Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has died. Trump gets to appoint another young conservative to the bench, effectively taking conservative control of the SCOTUS. And Mitch McConnell, the fucking hypocrite, says he'll rush that nomination through to a vote ASAP. When Obama made a nomination, McConnell refused to hear the nomination because there was less than a year before Obama was out of office. Now, with only 45 days before the national election, he's happy to ram through whatever Trump wants. 

I've NEVER even considered this seriously before, but suddenly I fervently pray for an ...I can't even say the word. And I don't mean Trump. (Well, maybe. He is the focus and generator of so much hate and divisiveness) I would love to see his enablers taken down. Removal from office would be fine. Jail would be great, if they've committed a crime. (If they like orange that much, we can make arrangements...) Humiliation and stripping of all wealth and privileges would be super. 

I'm tired. And this cold rage just sits here in the pit of my stomach. What would happen if liberals suddenly began buying up the AK-47s? Would gun control happen then? Maybe.