The Legend of No Desserts in One-der-Land

Once there was a woman named Alice who fell down a spiraling hole of guilt and shame while following an elusive White Rabbit of Beauty. She discovered a magical place called One-der-land, though at first it seemed a place of madness and horror. I'll occasionally recount (not in chronological order because this is a place of madness, after all, at least to Alice) some of her adventures.

Alice landed at the bottom of the Shame Spiral in tears, her body shattered by so many years of abuse, both from within Alice herself and from others, who felt she didn't deserve anything. She wondered if she'd ever be able to get up, but she managed to heave herself erect and walk, still hoping for another glimpse of the beautiful White Rabbit. Alice had to rest often, and had trouble breathing, but the path seemed familiar somehow, as if she'd traveled upon it or at least seen it many times. Her feet swelled, her knees hurt, and upon occasion she considered just lying down at the side of the path and becoming another one of the many grave markers just visible through the thorny bushes. Still, something inside her refused to allow her to give up. She had to keep fighting.

Finally, an angel in a white coat smiled at her. "You've been approved. Step forward. Your new journey can begin. At the end of your time here, you will see the White Rabbit if you are patient and work hard."

In a clearing sat a man wearing another white coat, but this man was unlike any other she'd ever seen. In his own charming way, he was handsome, and his eyes were kind. He invited her to sit and rest at his table, where a fascinating array of things were laid out. Some were gruesome body parts in frames or on pedestals. Some were the familiar diet protein shakes she'd starved herself with many times. Other things were not easy to describe and made no sense.

Her handsome new friend tried desperately to make himself understood. Alice leaned forward, for he seemed so earnestly trying to explain something important, but though he spoke English soon his words were gibberish, and Alice knew in her heart it was her fault she couldn't understand him anymore.

What she had understood was that he would help her, if she would obey the rules of One-der-land. He'd given her a few, and told her she must discover the rest for herself. All would be revealed to her slowly, allowing her to adjust to this new and frightening world. Then the man vanished, and Alice was left alone wondering what to do next.

A cheerful fairy peeked in. Her bright eyes and sleek figure made Alice very envious, but she was so sweet and charming, Alice couldn't stay angry with her for long. The fairy danced up to Alice. "Hi! My name is Locarb! I just know we're going to be friends!"

Now Alice was very suspicious. She'd heard of Locarb fairies, and they could be very vicious, even expensive, to keep as friends. Alice narrowed her eyes. "Are you going to make me buy ridiculously expensive things I don't know how to use, limit me, and put me in a very narrow box?"

Locarb's laugh was the tinkle of bells! "No, no! That's what happens when YOU limit ME!" The fairy reached into her basket and pulled out a white mound of something creamy, covered in a brightly colored sauce, served in a small bowl. "Here, I'll prove myself. This treat is for you. This magical treat will keep you from being naughty and disobeying the Lord and Master, whom you just met. You may only have this once a day, so choose wisely when you have it."

Alice looked longingly at the white creamy stuff, served so very prettily. It looked like the evil poisons that had made her addicted and ill. Her body craved those poisons like an alcoholic craved liquor, and so she feared them all. She sniffed it cautiously. "I smell raspberries...and cream."

Locarb nodded, her cute blonde curls bobbing. "Yes. I assure you, you can have this. I'll allow you to have this early today, just to show my good intentions."

Her fingers shook, but Alice licked her lips and took a tiny taste. Raspberry and something like cheesecake exploded on her tongue and slid down her throat like ambrosia from the gods. Alice's eyes filled with tears. She put the spoon back in the bowl and pushed it all aside. She sobbed. "I can't have things like this! They're poisoning me. Please, take it away before I gulp it all down! I'm already sick from things like this. It's too delicious and wonderful for evil creatures like me."

The fairy picked up the spoon and put it back in Alice's hand. "Yes, you can have it. Trust me. It's expensive in calories, but there are only 8 carbs in this treat, and it will keep you from wanting the poisons you have been eating. Now, enjoy your treat. I will help you, if you let me."

"Okay, but it's your fault if I get fatter." Alice sniffled, and ate all the contents of the bowl slowly, savoring every drop. When she went too fast, the fairy tugged at her hand until she slowed down. Finally, the bowl was empty. Alice waited for the horrible sugar rush that temporarily gave her energy, then sent her crashing to the earth with less than she'd had before. The rush never came. In fact, she felt...good. "Oh my! What was that?"

Locarb leaned close. "The legend of no desserts in One-der-land is false, and always has been. However, like all treasures, it must be sought and enjoyed wisely. This is your first weapon in the war against the addiction that has poisoned you all your life." She pressed a small piece of paper in Alice's hand. "Use it wisely and well, or it will do you no good!"

Locarb's Creamy Treat
2 servings 400 calories/ 8 carbs

1 block of cream cheese
2 T. Splenda
2 T. milk, cream, or half-n-half
2 T. any sugar-free syrup such as Torani or daVinci (see links) per serving

Open the cream cheese package and drop the cream cheese into the bowl of your food processor. Add the Splenda and cream. Whirl, using a spatula at least once to get the creamy mix off the sides of the bowl if necessary, until the substance is light and fluffy. Place in a small sherbet bowl. Pour sugar-free syrup over each serving, as desired. Eat slowly.


Anonymous said…
Morning Lena, I do not have splenda, I will try it with sweet n low and see how that tastes. Sounds so good light and fluffy. I will try it today! Thanks I like "Locarb" she sounds like a great new friend. Best Wishes, You are an amazing gifted writer. imaluckydog
Lena Austin said…
Thanks, Kathy! I'm trying to entice Band Groupie into writing "Alice in One-der-land" stories with me. LOL! Think she'll bite?
Lena Austin said…
Thanks, Se! Soon as I finish being a good little author and write awhile, I have the next installment in my mind. Damn ADD muse can't make up her mind. LOL!
Ladiesword said…
As one of your readers, I liked it very much and want more..
So suffices to say I think this style of writing is on the money. Looking forward to your next installment.

Lena Austin said…
Wow, thanks y'all. I spent last night recovering from a long working day and we discovered a pipe leaking under my kitchen sink. Joyous. So, this morning I'll be searching in Home Depot for a new faucet and plumbing supplies with the DH. More joy.
Well it made me smile, although I don't believe in diets. If I have cream I have the real thing. I just don't eat it every day. Everything in moderation and most of us 'can' have our cake and eat it. LOL. 'Wonder'ful bit of writing. :o)

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